Starting the Climb.
Apologies for being away from the blog for a few days. I wasn’t feeling centered enough to write, if you know what I mean. I had a doctor (psychiatrist) appointment yesterday that I was mega-anxious about, and I was feeling too tense to do anything other than write about being tense, which I felt would only add to the tension. If you get my drift.
MC came with me to my appointment for moral support, because it was time for me to come clean with my doctor about how things have been the last few months, and particularly in the last acutely difficult month. A medication adjustment has been made, and now I’ll also be taking something to help me sleep as a short-term measure. I had the epiphany at my appointment that I have rarely slept through the whole night in months. I have been fairly dismissive of this problem, because A) MC has unconventional sleep habits–sorry sugar, it’s true!–which kind of made me feel they were normal for me, too and B) technically I’ve been getting close to 7 or 8 hours of sleep per night, just not all in a row—not quality, deep sleep. But the fact is I am *gazausted*.
Naturally the pharmacy kicked up a fuss about the sleeping pills so I couldn’t get them yesterday. Insurance crap. Maybe tonight.
For the record, I am not a huge fan of pills. I am not a fan of being on them, possibly for life (the anti-depressants, that is; the sleeping pills are a short-term measure). But I need to be a fan of myself here, and of being alive, and feeling better and clearer and less desperate. So I will do what it takes and try to keep an open mind.
I have a decision to make regarding work and possibly taking some unpaid time off. This is in the forefront of my mind today.
I have to put other people’s opinions out of my head on this issue, and decide what makes sense for me. I deal a lot with fear as part of my emotional issues. I am fearful of losing the support of people I care about, and I am fearful of being judged. But I am also very tough and capable of pulling myself out of that vortex of hyper-concern regarding What People Think, if need be.
Would my company decide that my position was redundant and in fact unnecessary should I take a leave of absence? I know they have to save your job for you, legally, but might it not be phased out in those following months? And how would my co-workers look upon me if I were to leave for an extended period of time? How would they react upon my return? If I had cancer, it would be a different matter. I am extremely grateful that I don’t have cancer; that goes without saying. Still I am afraid of people judging me and telling me I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. But how can anyone else really know the emotional depths I find myself trapped in? How can anyone call a measure “extreme” unless they have been walking in my shoes? I find myself thinking of R, and how for whatever reason he couldn’t seem to take the extreme measures that might have saved his life, and it grieves me to the core and serves as a warning. He is gone forever, not just for a three months leave.
Then again, I am not R; I am myself. What’s right for me is something that only I can determine, and something that I have to be able to stand by and defend, even if that puts me in a majority of one (or two, because my dear MC is with me always).
As you may gather, dieting is not exactly at the forefront of my mind, so I should probably change the little blurb in the sidebar, huh?
poshdeluxe replied:
it sounds to me like you really need this time off, so i’m glad to hear that you’re considering unpaid leave as a viable option. plus, it seems like you’ve been a valuable member of yr office team, and i get the feeling that everyone would be v. supportive of you taking care of yrself, even if they don’t understand the depth of the issues you’re dealing with.
“What’s right for me is something that only I can determine, and something that I have to be able to stand by and defend.”
a-men, woman. hold on to that, and believe it!
Apr 30, 2008 at 9:03 am. Permalink.
meli500 replied:
I support you always, you know that!
I agree with Posh - the time off sounds like a great idea and it’s neither here nor there what your co-workers think. I do honestly believe that they will support you, however.
Do what is right for you, without the fear of how others will react.
Love you!
Apr 30, 2008 at 9:15 am. Permalink.
Alyssa replied:
I second (third?) what has been said: take care of you, and forget what everyone else thinks. Chances are, you’ll be so much healthier and happier when you get back.
Apr 30, 2008 at 10:31 am. Permalink.
hanlie replied:
I also think you may find that people would be quite supportive. At the end of the day, YOU matter and I you need to do what’s best for you and bugger the rest!
I don’t believe that you should change the thingie in the sidebar. What you’re going through now is all part of your life-journey. You don’t have to feel guilty that you’re not “dieting” right now. You’re looking after yourself and that’s what it’s all about.
Apr 30, 2008 at 10:41 am. Permalink.
Comrade GoGo replied:
Thank you so much for all the support, you guys. It really does mean a lot to me, and I’ll keep you posted on further developments. xoxx GoGo
May 1, 2008 at 11:05 am. Permalink.
Tarable replied:
Just do whatever you need to do to get well. And to hell with everybody else. (except MC because he sounds like a cool dude).
May 1, 2008 at 12:04 pm. Permalink.
Cynthia replied:
I’ve been where you are. It’s not easy but you’ll be stronger on the other side.
I echo the above replier…just DO YOU and screw the naysayers!
May 1, 2008 at 12:34 pm. Permalink.
Leslie replied:
What a tough time - I have been there and I know how hard it can be. It does sound like you’re doing lots of things “right” in terms of getting help, being honest with yourself, etc. I have had an awful, horrible sleep disorder for 8 years and was on every pill you can imagine. I’ve recently found incredible success with biofeedback, which is very successful with anxiety (of course, insurance doesn’t cover it, but they reimburse me 70% so I can’t complain too much).
Definitely email me if you EVER want to talk about it.
xoxo sending positive thoughts your way,
Leslie with the Weighting Game
May 2, 2008 at 9:44 am. Permalink.
Jess replied:
If your doctor feels you cannot perform your job and will document this (while you get your sleep patterns on track), then take the leave and don’t worry about the rest. The reason must be kept confidential by law and should only be shared between HR and your direct manager. If you feel your manager will discriminate for this, there are alternative strategies I can help you with. I’m in Human Resources and can totally empathize with your situation - - I’ve been there. I pushed through, but it took months for me to get through it and in hindsight, I wish I had taken a leave, even if it was a short one. Feel free to email me directly if you want coaching on specifics from an HR perspective. I enjoy your shares and wish you all the best and contentment.
May 8, 2008 at 4:22 pm. Permalink.