Chameleon GoGo: Trying to Build a Life, Not a Lifestyle.
At Half of Me, I read a post in which Jennette writes about the things that have stayed the same in her life and personality, regardless of her dramatic weight-loss, and how she derives a certain empowerment from that. I found myself feeling a bit wistful after reading this, wishing I had a similar self-knowledge. An excerpt of my comment on her post:
I’ve wanted to be lots of “types” of people in my life. . . . Sometimes I’ve even made close approximations and seemed to fit in with others of that type, whether they were club kids or goody-two-shoes. I’ve modeled myself briefly on close friends I admired. I’m one of those people who’s tried dozens of perfumes looking for the perfect fit. It’s cool that you seem to be at a place where you know and accept who you really are. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have that knowledge of myself, despite all the years of exploration. . . .
I think part of me has always worried that the real me was nothing worth developing or getting to know. She was just a scary, depressed misfit. Everyone else seemed so cool, so interesting, so sure of themselves. If they weren’t all particularly well-adjusted individuals (Ms J, the brilliant criminal with explosives knowledge and an exhaustive 80s vinyl collection comes to mind), they at least seemed very much themselves. Despite my veneer of self-awareness and my ability to converse fluently about my neuroses, I wonder how much I really know about who I am, or how much I’m willing to admit who I am.
It’s easy to adopt a “lifestyle” . . . at least for awhile, till the act grows exhausting. This article depicts one successful weight loser’s frustration with the glib, flippant way that term is used. Lifestyles can be taken on and off like clothes . . . what we really need are lives.
I don’t want a lifestyle. I don’t want to want to be anyone else. I want a life. Currently, my life, such as it is, needs saving. I have a solid support system that includes my boyfriend, my parents, and my close friend down in Houston. But ultimately, it’s up to me to take action.
Do you believe that small steps can save you from imploding? That observations you have made about yourself in the past can help to turn things around?
More than weight-loss for its own sake, I desperately need exercise. It has always helped to level me out in the past. Not to be overly dramatic, but if physical exertion stands between me and the brink, I’ll damn well exert and get over myself. A lot of people are spurred to weight loss by a health risk brought into clear relief. For me, my deep depression this past week–in fact, these last few months–has been that clarion call. I will not flirt with death simply because I’m scared of a little exercise. It’s worth a try, at the very least.
I’ll go back to the doctor next week, too, and level with him, and see if my current medications can’t be changed to give me the energy I need to accomplish what I need to accomplish. I hate having to admit that I haven’t been entirely forthright with him. I hate the fact that I know he and most psychiatrists are given perks by the drug companies, and I can’t entirely trust them for that reason. But I’m at a place where my principles must take a back seat to my survival.
I don’t want to try out another new lifestyle like I’m borrowing someone else’s jacket, makeup, or perfume. I want to become and to be myself. I guess I have to start somewhere, so here goes.
charlotte replied:
I’ve found that I feel most like myself when I’m thinking the least about myself. I’m not saying that helping other people is a panacea (although maybe I am?) - I’m on the happy drugs myself - just that it helps me. A lot.
The exercise will do wonders too. Will MC work out with you? Do you have a good friend who will? For me, having a workout buddy makes all the difference.
Apr 22, 2008 at 11:39 am. Permalink.
Lady Shanny replied:
Oh my heavens! I was JUST talking to Tara about this today! (I feel slightly hypocritical commenting since I don’t allow comments on my website anymore so if you don’t want this up, feel free to delete.)
So Tara and I were talking about how a person can become defined by certain events in their lives and how that particular event is not indicative of who the whole person is. In my instance (and part of the reason for the new no-comments policy) is that I allowed my complete self to become defined by the weight I lost. I lost sight of the fact that everything is still the same and much of it has nothing (and I mean NOTHING) to do with what I look like. It’s not helped or hindered by that, it just doesn’t even relate.
I had said in a recent post that I was more lost now than I think I had ever been before. There was so much coming in and nothing was the same. I have replaced so much with new stuff that I felt like I had lost who I really was. What actually happened is that I lost SIGHT of who I really was. Once I realized that I could never really lose who I am I was able to break out of that fog and regain control.
Comrade GoGo, you are you. There is no secret answer to how you ‘find’ yourself. You just are. You just embrace the quirks and whatever crazy you might have (or not have…my point of reference is me and my bits of crazy!). You learn to balance the sad with the happy. You don’t let any of them define who you are, you are you in spite of them. Does that make sense? I think in this age of self-help books and Oprah (I hate her!) that people are made to believe that you have to have some enlightened moment and ‘discover’ who you are. Nope! I disagree. You just live. Every day. Some days it’s boring as shit! Some days are fantastic and happy and you feel like a million bucks. Some days every decision you make is the wrong one. It just is. Yes, there are things that you won’t always like about yourself and those are the things that you work on. But to overhaul yourself to try and find yourself? You’ll end up more lost and confused than ever before.
I hope that any of that makes sense…
Apr 22, 2008 at 3:36 pm. Permalink.
Katherine replied:
I agree with your point about building a life, not just a lifestyle. When I focus on what truly matters to me (my family and relationships, my health, my creative/spiritual growth), I am most content with who I am and where I am at this point in my life.
Just yesterday, my therapist shared her recommendation that I try meds again to get me over this hump and back on the path to a healthier me. We’ve been working together for 3 years, and I appreciate her skill and objectiveness. However, I am hoping exercise, more daylight, and healthier eating can work for me this summer. And next fall? Yeah, I’ll probably find a new primary care physician and find low-dose meds to get me through the winter.
As I get older, I realize that there are so many other ways to define myself. It has been liberating
Apr 22, 2008 at 10:11 pm. Permalink.
Stephanie Quilao replied:
Having been on the med cycle myself, I can tell you that when you start upping your exercise, along with cleaning up your nutrition and dealing with your emotions, it will help alleviate the need for the pills.
I went on the pills out of necessity more to get me to a calm state even if it was drug induced, so I could start sorting things out. And yes, it takes time. It took time for the depression to set in and it will take time to heal it. I think people go in expecting a pill to be a miracle cure pronto, but it isn’t. And for me, there is no way I wanted to be on pills the rest of my life. I didn’t believe this “you have a chemical imbalance” when they never did any kind of blood tests, brain scans or fluid tests to see how imbalanced I was. I’m one of those patients though who doesn’t believe everything one doctor tells me. I need at least 3 opinions, and I’m willing to take the time and money because it’s my health we’re talking about, and nothing is more important than health. {ok, off my soapbox now…lol}
But you’re right, creating a life is much more meaningful and substantial. We all are given one but what we make of it is up to us.
Apr 23, 2008 at 12:57 am. Permalink.
li_oz1 replied:
I can relate to the exercise part. Lately I’ve been reminding myself that even though I don’t feel like it now, it will make me feel better (physically) to do it and relieve the compounding guilt for not. Its easy to get sucked into a comfort zone of inactivity that feeds on itself and makes you feel worse. I’m trying to get back into things and not putting pressure on myself to make a crazy schedule. I’m trying to do every other day and find balance with everything else I have to accomplish.
It can be such a roller coaster ride. I realized that I do very poorly with set-backs and disappointment and I’m trying to use this knowledge to move onto the next motivating thing instead of getting wrapped up in the bad feelings about what hasn’t worked out.
I don’t know if that helps at all, but I relate!
Apr 23, 2008 at 7:04 am. Permalink.
Comrade GoGo replied:
Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate all of your comments. As you can tell, I’ve been having a rough time lately, so they mean a lot to me :).
Apr 23, 2008 at 8:38 am. Permalink.