Wanted.
Is there an endless supply of ourselves? If a photograph can steal your soul, can a blog about your innermost heart give it away, too? Is there anything left for you, afterwards? And have you really helped anyway by sharing your story, or are you just spreading the pain around? I haven’t deleted the posts about my mental health that I posted last week, but I made them private (for my eyes only) this weekend. I may repost them shortly. But I needed a break from feeling so exposed.
Yesterday was a relatively good day for me, and today I only cried once, while looking online at dogs who need to be adopted from the Lone Star Bulldog Rescue group. (MC and I plan to adopt a dog at some point.) Tears were rolling down my face because I felt bad that any of them should be unwanted. These were “problem” dogs, in many cases: one almost blind, one with training issues, another with a missing leg. “No one wants ‘problem’ dogs!” I sobbed out loud.
“That’s not true,” MC said. “We do.”
In my heart I think I’m always worried that no one wants ‘problem’ people, that some of us in this world, whether we’re three-legged puppies or serotonin-challenged girls, will be castaways always looking for a home.
We find each other somehow, though. Like to like, freak to freak, strange to strange, funk to funky, chunk to chunky. We see each other through old rave goggles or steam punk monocles or 3-D glasses and recognize a long-lost friend.
Lady Shanny replied:
Oh my gosh! I’m struggling with that very issue RIGHT NOW! Not even just on my website, but what I tell people in real life and how many people. My sister maintains that a person should keep a certain amount of stuff to themselves and not tell anyone so that you never feel like you have nothing private. I’ve been trying that over these last couple days and honestly? It feels good. Almost like a weight has lifted because you are no longer obligating yourself to telling every detail. This morning I was outlining yesterday’s date on my post and I went back and deleted most of it because it was such a wonderful day that I wanted to not lose the magic of it by sharing every detail.
Also, turning off the comments on my website has helped dramatically. While I certainly did get encouragement and support, I also drove myself a little crazy because if a post that I felt deeply about didn’t get lots (or any) comments, I started to doubt myself and that’s not good. When I’m pouring my heart out to strangers and then letting those strangers have a say, well, that does bad things to me!
Apr 20, 2008 at 8:37 pm. Permalink.
Lady Shanny replied:
Oh…I forgot. The name that my sister gave those private thoughts? Jewels, just for you!
Apr 20, 2008 at 8:38 pm. Permalink.
Katherine replied:
“I think I’m always worried that no one wants ‘problem’ people…”
My thoughts have been in a similar place this past week. Sometimes I feel as though I don’t deserve to have friends — good friends that love and encourage me.
The truth is that I’ve been gifted with a beautiful friendship over the past year, and so much of the time I don’t feel worthy of it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Apr 20, 2008 at 9:19 pm. Permalink.
Comrade GoGo replied:
Shanny, thank you (and thanks to your sister), for sharing the idea of “jewels.” I agree that some things we need to keep for just ourselves. I have trouble drawing that boundary line, sometimes. I want to help others and exorcise the things that are bothering me, but I also want to keep some things private. It’s a delicate line to walk.
Katherine, you definitely do deserve to have friends that love and appreciate you. Everyone does! Even though I have trouble believing it for myself sometimes, by repetition maybe this truth will eventually sink in.
Apr 21, 2008 at 8:55 am. Permalink.
meli500 replied:
feeling unwanted is a tough thing to deal with. i am currently right there with you. it’s times like this that i really appreciate the constants i have in my life… aka - you!
Apr 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm. Permalink.
Comrade GoGo replied:
M500, you are definitely wanted! I love you to bits and I’m here for you if you need me.
Apr 21, 2008 at 7:34 pm. Permalink.
Stephanie Quilao replied:
Oh girl! You know I’ve shared plenty of my soul on my blog, and I have to say after 2-1/2 years, what I learned is that the only thing that can be taken from you are the things that you let people take from you. People can try and grab your goods, but you have the power and control to say no. You can’t control other people but you decide how you feel and what you take in. It’s not always easy, but over time the more you do it, the stronger you become. Trust me I’ve wanted to break many times.
As far as the “problem” people issue goes, remember that no one is problem free. Everyone is broken, beat up, or damaged in some way, and it is okay. It is from those experiences that we evolve, grow, and become expanded humans. Behind every wise enlightened person is also a life of trauma, tragedy, and loss. The only difference between those who have happy lives and those who don’t is the choice to let your past defeat you or not.
Long time ago some guy told me about the leather jacket metaphor. A leather jacket is much more interesting and full of character in time after the leather has been beat up, abused, and weathered. Who wasn’t a brand new, stiff, shiny leather jacket?
Apr 23, 2008 at 1:09 am. Permalink.
Comrade GoGo replied:
Stephanie, I really appreciate your perspective on this. I was actually going through some of your older “life story” entries the other day thinking about how valuable some of them have been to me. It has always seemed to me that you’ve been empowered by sharing these stories, rather than the opposite.
Apr 23, 2008 at 10:30 am. Permalink.